Paragard A No-Go

So my Paragard IUD extravaganza was a no-go. I got on the table all excited that I was about to get away from hormonal birth control. Maybe it'd be easier to lose weight. Maybe these menstrual migraines would go away. Maybe this dizziness would go away. Maybe my libido would change. Maybe my blood pressure issues would dissipate. Maybe a lot of things. With all of these hopes in mind, I stuck with it.

I had called the nurse earlier in the week to ask if I needed a low dose painkiller to take beforehand and sort of chuckled and assured me the insertion would not be painful and I would not jump off the table proclaiming that I could not go through with it. 

I waited an hour for the doctor... something I've vowed never to do because I do not believe doctors are gods. But I wanted this. I was excited for this. 

So, there I was, frog legs and all. Doctor (who oddly enough looks like Anthony Bourdain) moving tools around the tray getting ready. Doctor performs bimanual pelvic exam. Doctor inserts speculum. Doctor puts some iodine on my cervix. Doctor puts Novocaine gel on my cervix-- which after a few moments is an odd feeling and for the first time I realize that I actually can feel my cervix on a regular basis (since the absence of the feeling was something different). Doctor attempts to put sound through my cervix so doctor can measure-- this is painful. I apparently shouldn't be feeling pain just yet, so we wait a few moments for the Novocaine gel to soak in. Nurse and I chat about Scrabble which I am playing on my phone to distract me. Doctor attempts the sound again which is still painful. Doctor seems to be getting annoyed and I'm beginning to wonder what the heck is going on. Doctor moves more tools around and nurse says "ok, so this is going to pinch a bit more." I go cold. OUCH. What was that? Nurse says that doctor had to dilate cervix-- fucking tell me/ask me first please!! Nurse notes to doctor that nurse promised me I wouldn't want to jump off the table. So, cervix dilated, sound is inserted again. Seems like doctor is going to attempt Paragard insertion. Doctor attempts IUD insertion. Doctor seems annoyed. I'm ready to leave. Doctor still tooling around and apparently attempts IUD insertion again. Nurse starts moving the light around, doctor starts snapping at nurse. Can I snap my vagina closed and leave, please? Is it over yet? Is the IUD in yet? Doctor sits back and starts apologizing. I can't figure out the words coming out of doctor's mouth. I'm shaking, cold, in pain, sweaty, and kind of scared but excited that maybe this is it. Doctor and nurse leave room. I realize it hasn't happened. I'm angry. I liked this Doctor. Now I think doctor is incompetent. I recall words like "tried" "twice" "too small" "thought I could" and see the IUD on the table with the tools and definitely know it's not inside my uterus. Fuck. Now what? 

I sit and talk with doctor after I get dressed. Apparently my uterus is smaller than the IUD. Apparently my cervix was "too tight" and so doctor "had" to dilate cervix. I want to know my other options. I know some of them already-- I'm an educator, I'm educated, I was hoping doctor was too. I realize doctor is telling me information I'm pretty sure is incorrect but I'm tired and still kinda shaky and I want to go home and cry. I stop asking doctor about other options because I realize doctor said "too small" and I ask what that means. Doctor says "not much." I find this insufficient. 

I go to pay my co-pay which I feel I shouldn't have to pay since I feel so violated, but I pay anyway so I can just leave. Receptionist notes I may have to pay for the IUD even though my insurance covers it, but since it wasn't actually inserted she doesn't know if they'll pay. I sure as hell am not. I tell her I need to go home and leave. 

I wanted this experience to go so well. I wanted to be able to tell others that a safe non-hormonal method was available and easy. But, not for me. I do know it has worked for plenty of other women who have not given birth before and who have given birth before. This is just my experience and apparently it's a small chance that you'll have an experience like mine. Most women's uteri are large enough to fit an IUD. Most women don't feel much more than menstrual cramps with insertion. I still think it's an awesome option and am really sad that it wasn't an option for me. Now, the search for something else.